ALL ABOUT PAIN-THE GOOD AND THE BAD
PAIN Big theme through out my life. I am a big fan of pain, so to say. I wasn’t always, I believe, or not on a conscious level, but I do remember the moment when I realised I have fallen in love. I was in a dance studio, practicing. I wanted to become a contemporary dancer, back then, it is partially the reason I moved to Berlin. The other part was, that Hungary was about to destroy my spirit . Fortunately I got away with my spirit only bent, not destroyed. A bent spirit can be well expressed in dance, and to my current understanding I needed my body to keep me on a level of sanity that at least I felt the motivation to get out of bed every morning and keep on trying. And so, I was practicing in the studio a certain technique, that was all about safe falling and landing on the floor. Meaning to fall, and land without any injuries, or bad pain. By bad pain I mean, that I fuck something in my body for good, and it might never recovers. By good pain I mean the pain and excitement of the impact when the body and the floor meets, and I can literally feel it all over my muscular and skeletal structure. I remember learning it well and quick, and one day this sentence popped in my head: Pain Wakes Me Up.
I do believe that this was the moment, when the journey started, but it took a few more years, till I bloomed into a total junkie. I talk about physical pain here. Although I am certain that I searched out certain physical practices that came with a bit, and later with a lot of pain, to soothe and process my emotional pain. I also know that my menstruation started to become problematic and painful when I decided that I will experiment. I guess there was an invitation in my actions that let my deeper being know , that I am ready to face that shit, and the gates were opened. Since then they are open. I guess in a way I use pain as an initiation process to become the Person who I should be, and not the person I was conditioned to be. Pain was and is my teacher. So I searched and I searched and I searched till I stumbled upon body suspension. (That thing with the hooks under the skin, people hanging, blood is flowing, or a wednesday night for some) And it really was stumbling, I ended up visiting a friend for christmas, who had a studio in a back then infamous place for experimental music, and I saw a performance that involved flesh hooks, lots of blood, and I was hooked.(haha, get it?)
At that point I was casually searching for something that could help me understand the nature of death and pain, because I was already a cheered up and happy young person, and such questions haunted me on a daily basis.(Scorpion cusp, for all of you out there with an astrological knowledge, plus people were dying right and left around me in my wonderful dysfunctional family when I was a kid, AND I just finished a performance that was my own funeral, so you get the picture, I was into the subject matter).
Pain or blood wasn’t new, but obviously I was scared, and it took me 6 more months to pursue an experiment. 6 years and 33 suspensions later, I have learned: Not to be afraid of my pain, I CAN TRANSFORM IT. Just when I think I can not do it, my body will quietly surrender and I lift up, and that shit my friends is SO GOOOOOD. The bigger my capacity for pain the bigger my capacity for pleasure(I am still working on the pleasure bit) Trust my body’s deep intelligence and the beautiful revelations it will bring me. PEOPLE ARE THERE TO HELP AND SUPPORT. I am way more than I thought I am, and that brings me a lot of comfort. TRUST AND SURRENDER AND BREATHING IS ESSENTIAL(well,yes,some of us have a weird learning curve with this). I did manage to find an answer about death, although not in a way I expected, but it was through this epic process of hanging in the air. There will be people who will misunderstand, judge or even disrespect my practice, and that I don’t own an explanation to anyone. I do what I want with my body. Some people are very very afraid of pain, blood, strong women, trauma, all the darker sides of life, and that is not my problem.
pic taken by Roger Rossell So how does this tie in with my vagina? Well, everything is connected to her majesty, for one, but let me elaborate. All my young adult life I was so very very sad, underneath all my laughter and fun personality, I felt rejected, unloved, and there were moments of such emotional and mental pain, that I literally just had to lie on the floor, and couldn’t move. It seemed impossible for me to ever heal such pain, whose origins I didn’t even fully understand. I was disconnected from my body and my sexuality, I never really felt real horniness or desire, mostly only curiosity towards sex, but nothing more. I felt that all that pain is somehow related to my “femininity” (I hate the word , but I really don’t see what else to use here), and to sexual trauma, but I was too ashamed to talk about it. So I just carried it around, breaking down every now and then, getting in terrible abusive situations, because this is what you do if you are cut off from your inner guidance, and the healthy compass of your ability to experience pleasure. I was also keeping myself busy, creatively, which was great help, but didn’t solve the problem.
When I started to do suspension I understood, that if I want to heal, I will have to go through this tremendous pain, and it will get better, and no talk therapy could give me what my body can give me. In a way it was an initiation process into becoming the strong lady I wanted to be, instead of the sad, traumatised, hurt little girl I was(not that anything is wrong with her, I love her). Throughout the process, I became more and more comfortable in my body, I was less afraid of people and sex, and the history of ancestral trauma came out, in an overwhelming, but ultimately cathartic manner. The people who suspended me, are absolutely wonderful souls, and I will never forget the support I received not only physically but also spiritually. Obviously I still have some more steps to do, but I am able to ask for help, I am able to talk about my history without shame, and in my worst moments I can remember, how strong I can be, if needed, and this is a good thing to have in your toolbox.